Reassociation
by the stargate time traveller
Summary: Jadzia Dax was tempted to renew the relationship one of her previous incarnations had with Dr Lenara Kahn and had problems with the consequences. A few years later Ezri has to cope with her predecessor's hold over Deep Space Nine and its inhabitants, but more importantly the fact Jadzia wants to get back with Worf.
1. Chapter 1 Jadzia

I don't own Star Trek. Please let me know what you think.

This two-shot story is a look into the views of both Jadzia and Ezri Dax at different points. I know people have a love-hate view of Ezri, but I see her as one of the more interesting characters, and she wasn't a bullshitter like Jadzia and wasn't as arrogant at the best of times.

* * *

Reassociation.

As she stood outside the airlock where the transport taking Lenara and the other Trill who'd come with her to Deep Space Nine in order to create the first true artificial wormhole in Federation history, Jadzia Dax couldn't help but feel she was incredibly lucky to have resisted true temptation, although there had been close calls during her time.

Even now, she could still taste the other woman who was the current host of the Kahn symbiont, and while she stood outside the airlock hatch she could still see Lenara in all her glory.

She had told Benjamin before Lenara had arrived at the station she could handle it, that she had never allowed her past hosts' lives to get in the way of her own life, but being so close to Lenara… It had made her truly hate the Trill taboo of reassociation where no Trill hosts could resume a relationship in a different life.

Jadzia wasn't stupid.

It had been drummed into her during her education which had led up to her initiate training reassociation was out of the question. The symbiont _had _to move on, accumulating knowledge and wisdom as it went from one host to the next. If a host reassociated with another joined Trill, they were exiled.

Once that happened, the hosts would die.

And so would their symbionts. The initiates had it drummed into their minds the safety of their symbionts was more important for the greater good than the lives of the hosts. It was a harsh philosophy but it was the truth.

If there was one thing most races prided themselves on it was each of their people were different, completely individual. When you looked at the Trill symbionts and saw the different occupations of the different hosts that carried the symbionts inside their pouches, you had never encountered a being with tremendous experience.

That was one of the reasons why the Dax symbiont was one of the more gruelling taskmasters for new initiates. In the symbiont's mind and experience, only those with something to offer should be joined, and the symbiont could take them to new heights. Look at Emony, a gymnastic genius already, and yet when the symbiont was joined to her the previous hosts' control allowed Emony even greater coordination. In Curzon's case, the knowledge and experience from the previous hosts, specifically Audrid and Lela, gave him phenomenal knowledge of politics. Yes, it was admittedly old knowledge, but the truth was while the knowledge may be out of date, at least it would give future hosts insights into events. And it had helped with Curzon's own political career.

Thanks to her own hosts, Tobin most notably given the second hosts' engineering and scientific ability even if he had been shy and an introvert, Jadzia had felt she had become a better scientist, and her work had helped enlighten the symbiont's own existence.

Torias, likewise, had contributed some of Dax's extensive piloting knowledge even if his tenure had been short. But he was the cause of the turmoil she had been locked in the last few days.

Although she was long since dead, Jadzia could remember the memories of Nilani, the Kahn symbiont's host at the time. Nilani had been right, Torias had been carefree with his piloting, and it had cost him his life. Jadzia recalled the way Nilani had been scared out of her wits each time he had taken a ship out, and she recalled the way Torias had brushed her off, but there was a great deal of love between them and Jadzia could not deny that it still existed and neither could Lenara.

But despite her best efforts to follow Trill tradition and law in not reassociating, and despite her best efforts to move on, Jadzia hadn't been able to stop herself from thinking about ripping off Lenara's clothes and having her way with her. It was a miracle she hadn't. If it had gotten back to Trill then she would be the last host of the Dax symbiont. What a wonderful contribution, being the one responsible for the ending of the Dax symbiont, the loss of three-hundred years worth of knowledge and experience.

As she thought about it she had to admit she had also been selfish. She had been feeling that way for a while since word had come that Lenara would be the one to head up the science mission to open the artificial wormhole, but she hadn't been able to stop herself.

_Still, at least I tried, _she admitted to herself when she recalled how she had tried to put some distance between herself and Lenara during the reception shortly after she'd arrived. But it had been hard.

She couldn't help but blame Torias for this mess. If he had bothered to check the shuttle which had claimed his life had been readied for the impulse test, he wouldn't have died and it would have led to a happier life with Nilani. But Jadzia knew if that had happened, then the Dax symbiont's life would have turned out differently.

Jadzia turned her mind to her thoughts on re-association once she had shaken her head to exorcise her mind of those thoughts - thinking about what could have been was not going to help, and besides the idea she herself might be living a completely different life did not fill her with too much confidence - and she couldn't help but feel she was a hypocrite.

No, that the _Dax symbiont _was hypocritical. There was _no way in hell _she, Jadzia Idaris, would even contemplate it. Not only did the very thought of reassociation fill her with dread because she _knew about the consequences, _but she had heard and read stories of what had happened to the Trill who had even risked it. They had lost their symbionts, and in Trill culture, _nothing _was more important than the life of the symbiont.

The shy and quiet Jadzia had had it drummed into her mind during the initiate training until she could recite it out aloud, and when she had told Julian about it, she had even told the doctor a few home truths about reassociation and the definite risks involved and why it was not worth it. Sure, she knew most non-Trills would not be able to even begin to understand since they didn't see anything wrong with romance and would think it romantic if two people hooked up again years later, but in reality, it wasn't that easy.

It used to be easy.

Back in the days where the Trill were still discovering how being joined worked, reassociation was common, but it was soon discovered the new hosts had either moved on slightly, or their personalities were so completely different even with the symbiont along for the ride it was impossible for them to truly reconnect. If that wasn't bad enough, it was also learnt the reassociation made it almost impossible for the symbionts to grow, and once or twice there were hosts who died causing tremendous grief and loss for the symbionts which forced the Symbiosis commission to make the new rules and make them harsh enough so then even the faintest _hint _of reassociation and the symbionts responsible would be exiled.

A one-way death sentence.

It was harsh, but it was vital for the future the symbionts lived on. There weren't that many of them in existence in the first place, the last thing anyone should want would be the loss of even more.

Dax had always supported them, but now Jadzia and the symbiont were aware of the underlying temptation only she had no idea what would happen next.

Jadzia had _never once _imagined the Dax symbiont would feel temptation once an opportunity presented itself. But now she knew differently, and she knew why it had happened.

The Dax symbiont had always moved on like all other symbionts, making sure to be as far away from any opportunity presented to it for a reassociation to occur.

It was only blind luck Lenara had turned up on the station at all.

It did enter Jadzia's mind the symbiont had deliberately done this so then the temptation would never arise, but she couldn't be sure. The symbiont had always made sure it wanted new hosts who were different from the previous ones, and were involved in different fields. That way it would never have to encounter the newest hosts of the symbionts that it had been in relationships with.

But in this instance… the symbiont had been presented with the temptation of reassociation simply because it did not know how to let go. It was just fortunate the events had made sure it had learnt not to reconnect with Lenara.

She had no doubt in her mind when it came to her own next incarnation, the Dax symbiont would want to move on so then it would survive.


	2. Chapter 2 Ezri

I don't own Star Trek.

Ezri is one of my favourite characters ever and I felt she had been shoved into a world she truly didn't want to be a part of, and it wasn't her fault and yet everyone seemed to think she was at fault while they lauded Jadzia as a saint.

* * *

Reassociation.

_The problem with my new life as a joined Trill, is that now I think I understand now why Trill society outlawed reassociation; the thought of hooking up with Worf again despite how appealing it is doesn't appeal with __**me, **_Ezri thought to herself as she nursed a drink in the Replimat; she hadn't wanted to go to Quarks' because she wanted peace and quiet to herself.

She just wanted to think to herself without listening to the raucous sounds of the various Starfleet, Bajoran, and Klingon troopers on the station who mingled with the rest of the bar's patrons and sometimes drove Odo mad because he wanted to keep the peace.

Ezri took a deep sip of her drink, pleased with herself for making such great progress with her self-taught trial and error training in trying to control the symbiont nestled inside of her pouch. It had been a nightmare reaching this particular point in the training that most Trill initiates she knew from the memories of her various hosts learnt early on, but she was pleased regardless, but at the same time she wouldn't have the same type of knowledge Trill initiates learnt gradually during the course of their training.

Still, it was progress which she was grateful for, and it was better than having her mind flooded with the thoughts of eight different people contained inside the slug nestled within her. Ezri closed her eyes and shuddered. She _hated _thinking or even being _reminded _of what had happened when the Dax symbiont had been joined to her following the death of Jadzia.

When she had woken up, Ezri had been submerged by the different personalities of the symbiont, though Jadzia, as the most recent personality, was the more dominant. Ezri had gotten her first taste of just how nasty and selfish Jadzia could be, when she had heard her own _mouth _open and claim Ezri was not important, and that the symbiont didn't care about the life of Ezri, and it had coloured her perceptions of her predecessor permanently.

If that wasn't bad enough, the personality of Jadzia was desperate for her to go back to Worf and pick up where they both left off. More than once, Ezri had lost _control of her own body _and had very nearly gone down to Worf's quarters. If it wasn't for Ezri regaining control over herself thanks to the hints and tips she had dredged up from those old books the Symbiosis Commission had loaned her to help her control the symbionts urges better, the young Trill _did not even want to know what would have happened. _

What the _**hell **_was Jadzia even thinking? She could understand that Jadzia had been looking forward to living in marriage to the grumpy if poetic Klingon, but that did not justify the fact it wouldn't even work out with Worf; not only would her control return to her at some point even if she had gone through with what Jadzia had tried to pull, but she had no idea what Worf would have done. The Klingon, despite making inroads into trying to forge a better relationship with her, had not been trying to really make it work out. Yeah, Worf didn't go out of his way ignoring her, saying all that trash about her dishonouring Jadzia's memory - did he honestly realise how stupid that actually sounded? - and he hadn't been saying spiteful things to her in the corridor like he had when she had almost walked into him and she had received a cold but pained talk about him not wanting to know her.

The thought of being punched in the face hard enough to shatter her skull was more than enough for Ezri to want to stay out of the Klingons' reach if she did that.

_Reassociation. _

Ezri sighed at the very thought of the word. She could honestly say she could understand and even approve with the Trill symbiosis commission's stance on reassociation. Twice now the symbiont was trying to make the host break the taboo and renew the relationship it had with a previous loved one. The last time it had been Lenara (she really _did not _want to think of the Trill scientist and the current host of the Kahn symbiont; just _thinking _about her was enough to cause a few of her past hosts to seethe with desire), and now it was Worf.

Both times it had been because of Jadzia who hadn't been able to control herself, although with Lenara it was a near thing. Why was she trying to do the same now?

Hadn't what happened with Lenara taught her anything? At that point, she had been more than aware of the risks, did Jadzia think that just because Ezri didn't have the training to prevent all the hosts from going mad it would be seen as a fluke? Ezri had no idea.

Anyway, she could understand why her people would make the very notion of a pair of joined Trill who had once been married and in a relationship in the past taboo. Ezri had been back on DS9 long enough and had been in Worf's presence long enough for her to see the clear pain gnawing away at the Klingon's soul to know her _presence _alone was bad enough, the idea of her getting in bed with Worf again was enough to make the _Ezri _side of her feel physically sick.

But Jadzia didn't seem to care. Then again the former host's personality didn't seem to care much about anything relating to other people, regardless of how many on the station viewed her as a saint.

Ezri didn't understand why, and if she were honest with herself she truly did not care. She had developed a strong dislike for Jadzia ever since she had heard from her own mouth she, _Ezri, _did not matter, though at the time she had been hurt that another person would be so uncaring for another. She had no idea if it had been a spur of the moment, thoughtless piece of speech, but she did not care. Ezri wasn't even _sure _she even wanted to be confronted with the symbionts former hosts like Jadzia was a few years ago, but she had no doubt in her mind the Symbiosis commission would force her to undertake the _zhian'tara. _

They had pressured Jadzia to have one once the mess of Joran had reared its head. Why wouldn't those control freaks do the same with her?

It didn't help that here on DS9 where she was constantly bombarded with _Jadzia-this _and _Jadzia-that. _It was enough to drive a perfectly sane person crazy. Anyway, now she could very well understand and approve of the concept of reassociation; the idea of someone going through what she was with Worf was awkward enough, God knew how others felt. Ezri had no doubt in her mind that while some Trill in the past followed Jadzia's nonchalance to the letter only to take the punishment for what it was worthwhile others who had reassociated with the loved ones of their previous hosts when they too had been rejoined with another host had just been shoved into it by the personalities preserved in the symbiont.

Then again, being back here on Deep Space Nine was a chore. It was home, and yet it wasn't home. Everywhere she went she had to cope with the stares, the double-takes, the whispers… She had even overheard people commenting about how _young _she was, and Garak had torn into her vulnerability just because he had no way of avoiding his own problems. As far as they were concerned, she was just a surrogate until someone even better came along while they were happy to place Jadzia onto a pedestal.

No, that was unfair, and yet it was how she felt. Everyone had been traumatised by what had happened to the outgoing Trill, and now they had her running around. She was not a person in their eyes…

Ezri sighed as she shook her head, trying to push her bitter thoughts aside although she couldn't help but feel that everyone on the station would be happy if she hung around long enough for another host wannabe to come along.

She had never wanted to be joined. When she had been a child, she had wanted nothing more than to escape her domineering mother and make a life for herself; just because she loved Yanas didn't mean she didn't resent the woman for her harsh attitude and how she had constantly refused to believe her children had minds of their own.

But even then the idea of being a joined Trill had never once entered her mind. The training was not a problem, it never was; she knew if she had wanted to she would have entered her name and went for it. But she had honestly no desire to go for it. Ezri wanted to make a life for herself, she had set out targets for herself and she had gone for it all, all without being joined to a symbiont with a few centuries worth of knowledge and experience. She had felt she didn't need to be joined to have a life. That was something many of her people simply didn't know. Many young Trill worked themselves to death to be hosts to a symbiont, but Ezri had wanted to take life with both hands and be her own person.

Unfortunately fate had not been on her side, especially considering how the other Trill on the Destiny had been replaced by that Changeling on the way to Trill where the new host would be joined to it, only for the symbiont to take a turn for the worst, and the symbiont would go on with its existence, and she had been joined in their place.

Ezri sighed and rubbed her eyes. She didn't know what the next few years - if she lived that long - would bring, but if the opportunity came then she would leave the station and be her own person again. Hopefully then she would never have to deal with the spectre that was reassociation ever again, and hopefully the Dax symbiont would learn something at last.


End file.
